Wendy C. Kasten, Ph.D. Copyright 2025
Online Dating for Mature Beginners (age 50+)
I met my husband from an online dating site. I was 61 and he was 60. Our first
date was actually at a dog park. We both had dogs, and this way we could see if
the dogs got along. I paid special attention to how he treated his dog.
Our lives together have been full of love, friendship, and growing closer together.
BUT, before I met my husband, I had tried about 15 dating sites (I lost count,
really), had about 50 first dates (conservative underestimate). Along the way, I
made some terrific male friends who I never “dated.” Even found a fabulous
accountant. And some of those friendships persist today. So, you can find
different things along the way before you find that special someone. Here are
things I learned which I would encourage anyone to heed.
Know what you are looking for.
Do you seek friends? A life partner? A
Marriage? One phrase you come across in the online dating world is “open to
possibilities.” I like the flexibility of that idea, as long as you are sincere.
Be clear about what you don’t want. If your partner must be a non-smoker,
of a certain age range, must love pets, etc., say that up front in your profile.
Constructing your profile is important.
For example, one mature friend one friend
decided she would no longer date anyone still raising children. After all, she’d
done that already and was in a different phase of her life. Here are some
things she listed: Must love pets; must be mentally and emotionally healthy;
non-smoker, at least a Master’s degree in educational level; over 5’10’ (men
generally exaggerate their height); have a valid passport. (my reason for the
latter is, if anyone gets to be 60 and never had a passport, then they probably
don’t have much sense of adventure, trying new things, etc.)
Explore a variety of sites. Google dating sites. You will get plenty of hits.
Some cost money, so decide if that’s okay with you. There are good ones that
do not cost anything. I met my husband on “okcupid.com.” It’s free, or was when I used it.
It asks lots
and lots of questions of each person joining. Therefore, you can get to know
lots about someone before deciding they are a potential partner for you. I also
appreciated plentyoffish.com, also free, as they hold local real events and you
can go to a dance where you know everyone there is single. There are sites
specific to the younger, to the older, to the very religious, to people of
particular interests.
Nearly all sites I explored account for same sex dating as well as heterosexual dating. Some sites allow salacious and nude photos.
Decide if that’s for you, or not (caution – in these sites, men often send
pictures of their equipment and not their face).
Some sites have different
“communities” within the site depending on what you are looking for, such as
“dating only,” “relationships only,” or “seeking sex partners only.”
CAUTION:
DON’T SIGN ON TO A SITE WITH AUTOMATIC BILLING UNLESS YOU KNOW
HOW YOU CAN QUIT. WHEN YOU WANT TO QUIT, PRINT AND SAVE THE
EMAIL WHERE YOU STATED YOU WERE QUITTING. BE VIGILANT CHECKING
THE CREDIT CARD YOU USED. YOU MAY NEED IT LATER TO DISPUTE
CHARGES ON YOUR CREDIT CARD. ONE SITE A FRIEND USED REQUIRED
ONE TO QUIT ONLY VIA A CERTIFIED SNAIL MAIL LETTER SENT TO A
FOREIGN ADDRESS!
Construct a good profile.
Use your best writing skills. Say who you are, and
what matters to you. Often you can read profiles before you join and get ideas.
A profile should state things about you, and things you want and do not want.
BEWARE of the profile that is all about what someone is looking for, and
nothing about who THEY are. Here is an example of a good
profile:
SUCCESSFUL PROFESSIONAL SEEKS A PARTNER POSSIBLY FOR A
LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP. I AM A (BLANK-YEAR OLD) FEMALE LOOKING
FOR A MALE OF SIMILAR AGE. I AM WELL-EDUCATED, PHYSICALLY FIT,
WITH A LOVE OF NATURE, GARDENING, SPORTS AND TRAVEL. I OWN MY
OWN HOME, HAVE ONE DOG AND ONE CAT, AND TAKE CARE OF AN AGING
PARENT IN MY TOWN. I AM LOOKING FOR SOMEONE WHO IS
ADVENTUROUS, FUN-LOVING, MENTALLY HEALTHY, AND WITH A GOOD
SENSE OF HUMOR. MY POTENTIAL PARTNER MUST LOVE CHILDREN AND
PETS, BE ONLY A MODERATE DRINKER, NON-SMOKER, BE OVER 5’9″ TALL,
HAVE A KIND HEART AND A GOOD JOB.
In short, consider what you value,
what you love, what you can’t live without, cannot live with, etc. Also, be
careful about asking the impossible. A female colleague wrote her profile and
her list of requirements in a partner and her list had about 25 things on it, AND
the match could not live more than 25 miles away. The site actually asked her,
politely, to remove her profile as they would be unlikely to help
her. One more thing about profiles -lots of guys say “I know how to really
please a woman.” If you come across that one, just remember it’s likely the
most common thing men say. Besides, what pleases me, like a clean house,
breakfast cooked on weekends by someone else – I am guessing that is not
what the guys mean,
Spend time searching profiles.
Many sites do some matching and send you
people they think you might want to consider. Others, you do the leg work
yourself (so to speak). In some sites, you can let someone know you havebeen reading their profile without contacting them directly to see if interest is
returned before proceeding. That might be a good way to get started with
fewer risks. In those cases, you would also be notified of people searching
you.
Meeting up. Here are some MUSTS in my opinion prior to deciding to meet
up.
Ask the potential partner for a real name and real address. Google the
person. While it’s possible they do not have an online presence for
legitimate reasons, more often they do, even if it’s only through work.
Use Google Earth to find out if the address exists.
Check the website of the county in which the potential match resides. Search for the “clerk of court”
and search pending cases and convictions for persons of their name. This is
all public information. A girlfriend was considering meeting a guy and put his
address into Google Earth. The entire road in the address was an industrial
park.
Notice any odd errors in English. While its possible someone is just a
lousy speller, it is more likely someone in Nigeria or Jamaica is running a
scam thinking their English is fine and you won’t notice.
Exchange pictures if they were not already included in the online profile.
Sometimes people request a full picture rather than just a headshot. Decide
if that matters to you or not. It’s a good idea if the picture is fairly current. I
saw lots of pictures with a guy in a tux, probably at a daughter’s wedding, and
cut funny, using a scissors to remove others from a group shot. It’s so easy
these days to snap a decent photo with your smart phone!
Telephone call . I believe it is essential to have a real telephone call or two
or three before you decide to meet (not a chat online, not a text message
exchange, a real phone call). First of all, scammers are less likely to agree to
a call. If you do not enjoy talking on the phone, what is the likelihood you
would enjoy a conversation in person? You can further consider skyping or
such before deciding to meet.
BEWARE OF SOMEONE WHO WILL ONLY
CALL YOU FROM WORK. THERE COULD BE A SPOUSE AT HOME THEY
DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW ABOUT. USE A CELLPHONE, BECAUSE YOU
CAN BLOCK THE NUMBER IN THE FUTURE IF YOU NEED TO. DO NOT GIVE
YOUR ACTUAL ADDRESS.
I was talking with one guy, an attorney, who only
wanted to get together on a weekday, When I suggested a weekend meet-up,
he was too busy. I finally asked him if he was married. He got quiet and said
yes. “How did you know?” DUH! “Because you only want to get together on
weekdays!” Guys do that! “Oh, he said. “I thought I was the first one to think of
that.”
One of those times I was rolling on the floor laughing for an hour.
The Coffee Date. Tell someone you trust where you are going and when
and ask them to call you DURING THE DATE. Have a code word you say if
you want out of the situation, and your caller feigns an emergency or a need
for you to leave. ALWAYS arrive in your own car, pay for your own
snack or drink. You don’t want, at this point, to owe anyone anything.
DINNER?
Dinner can be excruciatingly long if the person turns out to be
boring or offensive. Once I arrived for a coffee type date at an ice cream
parlor. Apparently the photo I had been provided was 20 years and 50 pounds
out of date. I saw him standing around in the parlor with that “I am looking
for someone” stance. His shirt had slobber down the front and he smelled bad.
So I just got an ice cream and left. I made no eye contact, jut got my chocolate
cone and left.
Beware of the dates who spend the entire time talking about
themselves and not getting to know you. If they are sincere about a
meaningful relationship, they would want to get to know you.
What Next? Wait until you get home to decide if you want to see the person
again. Make no promises during the coffee date. If they ask if you want to go
on a date, say, politely, “I think that is a conversation left until after we have
both had time to consider if we are good match.” I have found that if you
had a genuinely nice time, that good feeling stays with you later that day
or evening. If the other person feels the same way, plan a second simple,
non-committal get together. ALWAYS in a public place. My second date with
one guy was, at my suggestion, in a bookstore which included a cafe.
You can
tell much about a person by what books they look at, which ones generate
conversation about books, writers, interests, etc. Apparently this guy’s only
interest was in getting behind a stack of books where he could put his hands
on me instead of the books. Gee whiz, how adolescent is that?? That’s when
you say you need to go and pay for a new book and get home to let the dog
out.
Bring home the person? It has been my experience that people usually start
initiating intimacy on the third date. So consider carefully if that’s where you
want to go. Otherwise, keep the dates in public places. Beware of a guy who
never lets you see where he lives. Could be lots of reasons for that, and
none of them are good.
Cautionary Tales. I have lots of these.
The partner who starts talking LOVE before it seems logical to do so.
The partner who only is available on weekdays, never weekends. They
are hiding something. Like a wife.
The partner who talks to you lots, but always has excuses not to meet.
He’s hiding something.
The partner who asks for money!!!!!! This is not a developing
relationship, it’s a SCAM. Got that? A SCAM. NO EXCEPTIONS. No “Yes, but
he says he loves me….” That’s CRAP. It’s called catfishing. It is
common. Don’t fall for it. Not even for a New York minute. You ALMOST
got sucked in. Whew, dodged a bullet there. Get over it, move on. Someone
tried that with me. We talked several times on the phone, even skyped. He
said he was too busy to meet, maybe next month. Then he claimed to have
run out of money and needed $1200. right way. I replied, “That’s what
credit cards are for.”
“Oh,” he said, ” my credit card is maxed out, I cannot
use it.”
I brought up that there is travelers aid in most places in the world,
or there are close friends or family, not NOT someone you just met. More
excuses started. I signed off, deleted all messages.
A partner you catch in a lie. Lies are like cockaroaches and rats. Where
there is one, there are many you cannot yet see. Stop all communication. I
was having some nice conversations with a guy named Chaz. In fact, lots of
them. I suggested we meet up during the weekend. He said he could not
drive, he’d hurt his ankle. I accepted that. He called Monday. I asked “How
was your weekend?” He said it was nice, he had visited his mother.
“How did you get there?” I asked. “I drove of course.” he replied.
Here is a guy who does not even keep track of his own lies!
Someone looking to be taken care of. This happens to both men and
women in online dating. The person who cannot tell you exactly what
there job is, or claims to have family money, but their lifestyle doesn’t add
up.
There are women who mooch off men, and men who mooch off
women. Is that what you want? A good friend’s ex-husband is on his third
or fourth family, each time finding a woman with a good job to support him,
having a baby together,and when she starts asking for things, like a
contribution to the mortgage, he moves on. He supports none of these
children from former relationships, and keeps off the radar from Child
Support Enforcement by not working and finding another woman to care
for him.
Anything that does not add up. I dated a nice guy who other than
paying for dinner now and then, never had any money to do anything. He
had a good job. He had no house with a mortgage, no kids to support, and
I knew for a fact he made more money than I did. He lived in an
apartment and leased a car. He had no money saved. He owned nothing. I
could only conclude either he was hiding something, or he’s a dismal
money manager. In either case, not a partner for me.
Don’t act needy. Don’t talk about all your lost loves. If you are divorced
or widowed, mention it, don’t get into it. Don’t dwell on any past
relationship.
Look for patterns. When you are getting to know someone, notice
patterns. How did earlier marriages or relationships end? Did more than
one end the same way? Patterns by middle age are—sort of set in stone.
You are seeing what you are likely to continue to see. Very few
exceptions.
Long Distance Relationships? Dating someone far away can be an
adventure and a learning experience. I dated two very nice men in two
different countries far away. But of course, it is frought with challenges.
You cannot see each other very often. Dates can costs lots of money.
Cultural differences can get in the way. So, I would say know what you are
getting into, whether or not you are willing to mount some challenges,
and are you and the partner willing to consider that a relationship might
mean relocating?
Of course, what people define as long distance varies
greatly. After I decided against pursuing a possible relationship with a
wonderful man in Ireland, I was chatting with someone local. In this case
“local” was 30 miles away. “I am not interested in a long distance
relationship” the match wrote back. I was on the floor laughing about that
one, that 30 miles was considered long distance when my last date had been
4000 miles away.
EXPECTATIONS. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Finding a “match” takes
time. Don’t assume after a few disappointments that there is no one out
there for you. Remember most worthwhile things in life take time. The
word “MATCH” is important (other than the fact it is used in names of
dating sites).
Someone can be great, but not be a MATCH for you. If you
are saying no to an offer of a next date, you can say, “You are nice, but we
are not a match for each other.” That’s kind, honest, and effective. If you
are reading this, then probably this is not your first rodeo. Mature people,
for the most part, are what they are. They are a package deal in a way.
You need to decide if the way they are is acceptable.
When we were all younger, probably we thought we could change our special person into
who we wanted that person to be. And we found out that changing
someone does not work. True, people often change. But not in ways we
may dictate. A male colleague in the midst of a divorce shared that his
soon-to-be ex-wife lamented bitterly that after 8 years of marriage, she was
still unable to get him to change. He was astonished. He was unaware that
his changing was her goal and personal project. And of course, he wondered
why she could not like him the way he was.
WANT TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE? This is one of those things that
sounds better on paper than in real life. If you choose a partner where the
economic differences are great (they have way more money than you),
then you are also giving up economic control.
Does the other person
always get the say in how money is spent? Is money used for control?
How did they get their money? Are they from a rich and spoiled family?
Were they ruthless to workers in the business they built? Did they do
something illegal? Unethical? There are certain personality types among
self-made men and women. Let’s just say they are not Mr. Rogers.If you
choose to date someone with lots of money, proceed really really
carefully. If things go wrong, remember they can afford a better lawyer.
Avoid like the plague anyone who yells at you, who is physically
rough, or gives hints of domestic abuse. Time to implement that exit
strategy. “Excuse me, I have to check on the babysitter, (let the dog out
to pee, whatever).” I was on date with a guy who said he had slapped his
wife a few times, but she deserved it! (last date!)
Men and women date differently. It’s my theory that women date
like they shop for a dress. Browse the racks, the sales, favorite colors
and styles and brands. Then you decide what to take to the dressing
room. And you try somethings on.
Some are an immediate NO. It makes
you look fat, it’s tight, it’s cut funny, etc. Some are maybes – you walk
outside to the bigger mirror, ask someone else what they think, they
point out the pros and cons of the item. You make your purchase, and
even then, you get it home and maybe you decide to return it. You get
the picture!
MEN date more like they are buying a car. They have
decided in advance on a make and model, whether they need four
wheel drive, heated seats, a roof rack, a racing stripe, leather seats –
you get the picture. When they get to the lot, they tell the salesperson
their requirements, they are shown the relevant inventory, take a short
test drive, and done! They got what they wanted. I am not saying this is
good or bad. I think it’s just the way it is. Be aware.
Good luck! I hope your journey, albeit long, may be successful, full of love and
adventure. Stay safe above all (yourself and your money).
Wendy C. Kasten, copyright 2025, all
rights reserved.
Dr. Wendy C. Kasten, Writer 